Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
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GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
I have a place for everything. The floor.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
my name if I was in the mob
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”