Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
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Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
this is why i’m friendless
i started using the magic eraser on our walls today and got so carried away that the house completely disappeared.
“Pick a pencil. Look at it. Now put it back with the other pencils. Was your pencil the number 2?”-Steve, shitty pencil magician
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.