@djdarrellripley

Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?

Me: Are you volunteering?

You Might Also Like

@GianDoh

Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.

@i_zzzzzz

Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”

@LilFlaOrange30

I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.

@thepunningman

A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.

@Diversion50

BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.

NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?

BUZZ: Nope

*5 minutes silence*

BUZZ: OK, yep.

@dadmann_walking

i started using the magic eraser on our walls today and got so carried away that the house completely disappeared.

@ibid78

“Pick a pencil. Look at it. Now put it back with the other pencils. Was your pencil the number 2?”-Steve, shitty pencil magician

@DrakeGatsby

Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately

Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?

Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this

@JohnLyonTweets

No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.