Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?

Me: Are you volunteering?

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Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.


Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”


I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.


A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.


BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.


BUZZ: Nope

*5 minutes silence*

BUZZ: OK, yep.


i started using the magic eraser on our walls today and got so carried away that the house completely disappeared.


“Pick a pencil. Look at it. Now put it back with the other pencils. Was your pencil the number 2?”-Steve, shitty pencil magician


Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately

Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?

Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this


No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.