Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
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Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Well, shit
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.