ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
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If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Goodnight 🐶
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time