Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
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awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Oh boy, $150,000!
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Yes my dude
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.