Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
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My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears