I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Her: We have rats!
Me: We do?
Her: Look something gnawed thru this package of cookies!
Me: (wipes crumbs from my mouth) I’ll buy traps.
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Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Some schools are banning Santa so they don’t offend non-Christian students. That sucks, because Santa is my favorite part of the Bible.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Just tell ISIS we have pizza and when they knock on the door, shoot them
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN’T LIST THOR AS AN EMERGENCY BACKUP?!?!
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves