What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
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you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.