@thatUPSdude

Her: We have rats!

Me: We do?

Her: Look something gnawed thru this package of cookies!

Me: (wipes crumbs from my mouth) I’ll buy traps.

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@JediGigi

I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.

@TheMichaelRock

Some schools are banning Santa so they don’t offend non-Christian students. That sucks, because Santa is my favorite part of the Bible.

@NYC_Blonde

Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR

@shadygrenade

“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”

*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*

“Ah nuts that was a good one.”

@karanbirtinna

Her: I’m leaving you.

Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?

Her: Yes.

Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.

@UncleDuke1969

Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…

*opens laptop
*types

Wife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.

@briangaar

Just tell ISIS we have pizza and when they knock on the door, shoot them

@TheAliciaKraft

STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves