Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
You Might Also Like
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.