@JohnLyonTweets

Her: We need to talk.

*vultures begin circling over me*

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@pittdave13

The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six

@T_N_Crumpets

Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat

@thcmoonmvn

Condoms dont really guarantee full protection during sex. A friend of mine was wearing one and he got shot by the girls boyfriend.

@AliciaATobin

There should be a YouTube compilation of the expressions on women’s faces when they discover a dress they are trying on also has pockets.

@ArfMeasures

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

@mooses_mom_mar

Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?

Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.

I: Your office will be next to mine.

@geowizzacist

(Me playing guitar)

3: Daddy what’s this song called?

Me: Going Nowhere.

3: I know that but what’s this song called?

Burned by a 3yo.

@jazz_inmypants

[job interview at Sears]

MANAGER: why do you want to work here?

ME: because I need a jo-

MANAGER: do you even know what we sell?

ME: …i don’t :/

MANAGER: *slides me a name tag* neither do we