Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
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My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.