Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
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[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!