@jamdugg

Her: We should do something fun for our 15th anniversary

Me: I want to jump out of a plane

Her: Go skydiving?

Me: No

You Might Also Like

@Mardigroan

There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.

@buttgh0st

[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho

@lalastrailer

If I had a dollar for everyone I work with who’s dumber than me, I’d have $11 cause I work for a small company.

@anerdonfire2

The good news: She actually gave me her number

The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away

@HlessHman

Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens

Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that

@AndyAsAdjective

[on the phone]

ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?

DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis

ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis

@CulturedRuffian

Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.

@ch000ch

ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days

@NewDadNotes

Me: what are you doing?

Daughter: playing with Michael.

Me: aw, I had an imaginary friend named Michael when I was your age too.

Daughter: I know.

Me: how did you know?

Daughter: Michael told me.

@English_Channel

cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume

me: is there a law against it?

cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession