her: we should get a labrador

me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind

You Might Also Like


When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”


What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise


Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?


me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!

wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!


“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.


[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”


Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.

My dad: Please let me speak to him.

Kidnapper: He’s here.

My dad: You left the fan on, again.


Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping

Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert

Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*

Oscar: Hey Urn-ie