her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
You Might Also Like
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Cardio Made Easy
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps