Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
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The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
good for her
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms