Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
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The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.