@TweetPotato314

her: well don’t just stand there, say something

me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross

her: i said i’m pregnant matt

me: his hair could be the brush part

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@Brampersandon_

ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME (inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk): I thought u’d never ask

@pilau

[if I was in horror movies, a thread]

jock: let’s split up

me: no

@IGotsSmarts

She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.

@DaddyJew

8: daddy, can I have $600,000?

Me: what? No

8: can I have $3?

Me: fine but only bc I feel like im getting a deal here

@thegreatnanak

I was walking on the beach with my gf until my drugs wore off and I realised that I was dragging around a stolen mannequin.

@Sandrahadenough

I spent 20 minutes at the gym trying to untangle my headphones…I’m done..my arms are killing me!

@LDLevesque

I always envisioned Hermione as a burly, middle-aged Italian fellow, so imagine my surprise when the films revealed her to be a little girl.

@KateWhineHall

Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.