ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME (inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk): I thought u’d never ask
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
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[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
8: daddy, can I have $600,000?
Me: what? No
8: can I have $3?
Me: fine but only bc I feel like im getting a deal here
I was walking on the beach with my gf until my drugs wore off and I realised that I was dragging around a stolen mannequin.
Well, I made another trip around the sun. Might as well eat cake.
For my next trick, I will try not to kill my volunteer.
I spent 20 minutes at the gym trying to untangle my headphones…I’m done..my arms are killing me!
I always envisioned Hermione as a burly, middle-aged Italian fellow, so imagine my surprise when the films revealed her to be a little girl.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.