her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
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Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.