her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
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Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.