Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
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Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once