Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
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Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.