Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
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My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Netflix: We have Less
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
synchronized noseblowing
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….