Her: What are you doing this weekend?
Me [getting ready to jump off the roof with an umbrella]: Science stuff
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‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle
The jungle: please stop bringing people here
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Me when I hear gossip
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.