Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
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My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
life finds a way
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
britain’s three elite institutions
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.