@nyquills

Her: what are you into

Me: pokémon

Her: no i mean what’s your type?

Me: oh, fire

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@adamhess1

So glad I finally got around to correcting that spelling mistake I made to the girl I fancied 8 years ago

@theresa_lauren

“Yes, I’m still single and underemployed, but at least I’m not MARRYING CHARLES MANSON” –women at family holiday gatherings from now on

@UnFitz

17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.

@DrakeGatsby

[Tour of NASA Headquarters]

Guide: So NASA was founded in July of 1958 with the goal-

Me: *interrupting* Is it true the moon won’t bleed no matter how many times you stab it?

Guide: *into walkie talkie* He’s back.

@cheeky__gal

The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.

@iwearaonesie

me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds