Her: what are you into
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
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So glad I finally got around to correcting that spelling mistake I made to the girl I fancied 8 years ago
“Yes, I’m still single and underemployed, but at least I’m not MARRYING CHARLES MANSON” –women at family holiday gatherings from now on
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
[Tour of NASA Headquarters]
Guide: So NASA was founded in July of 1958 with the goal-
Me: *interrupting* Is it true the moon won’t bleed no matter how many times you stab it?
Guide: *into walkie talkie* He’s back.
They are not wrong.
Always the camel, never the toe.
Oh thanks BBC.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds