her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
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Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Goodnight 🐶
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*