@djdarrellripley: Her: What are you reading?
Me: "Sex and the Single Guy."
Her: What's that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
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@caribbeanaj: When I got divorced, we split the house. I got the outside....
@BabetteJones: When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
@autocorrects: You're 15 and miss the 90's? Yeah, I'm sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
@Blue_Crab: My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom. I asked her what it was going to do. I'm hilarious. Everyone says so.
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