@Bluestmoon_: I love waking up next to you, I say as I roll over and gently kiss my bag of Doritos

@Topher_Writes: It's a bird. It's a plane. No its... "Steve, you're fired. Air traffic control just isn't for you."

@AnOrangeSNES: Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn't he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy

@timcarvell: I am furious that some are willfully misreading my column, "Let's Feed Babies to the Sharks", as an endorsement of feeding babies to sharks. To be clear: I was merely representing the entirely legitimate view many have that some babies - let's be honest - should be fed to sharks.

@imdaintyaf: When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that's my neighbor haha Hi Pam!