Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
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[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
kevin is now a local weatherman
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side