@RdrJay47

Her: What brings you to speed dating?

Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.

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@RamblingMachine

I told my BF I dreamt he got me a ring for my birthday. Later, I found a wrapped box from him, with a book entitled “the meaning of dreams”.

@karanbirtinna

Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!

@loudmouth_usa

Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones

@KalvinMacleod

Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.

@JediGigi

[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.

@TheTweetOfGod

30 And to his followers he said, “Beliebers, weep not for me but yourselves and your children; for they’ll never get to see me in concert.”

@AddledPixie

“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.

@InternetHippo

god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: thatโ€™s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up