Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
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If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
crochet youtube is brutal
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
When you let grandma cat sit
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Huge, if true.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order