Her: What did you do for fun in college?

Me [remembers organizing 10,000 baseball cards in order of career batting average]: had sex, got high

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I wanna be the reason you’re comfortable with your prostate examination


Selfie attempt: come hither look

Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm


You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?

-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.


*In fancy restaurant*

Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?

Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh


a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:12:”juliussharpe”;s:5:”image”;s:65:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/935659475/me_again2_bigger.jpg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”350302340206702593″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”180″;s:5:”tweet”;s:81:”If I could give one piece of advice to young people today it’s have rich parents.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}


[throws salad into a garden]

Go home boy…you’re free now.


Pretty cool how the universe lets me know I’ll be bumping into my ex by making me spill coffee on my shirt.


Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.


WIFE: it’s your turn to change the baby. he left you a little present haha

ME: *opens diaper* how the hell did he get an x box in there??