“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
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We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”