A WOMAN: i’ve only been washing my hair
ME: IN THE OFFICE BATHROOM SINK!! ME TOO!!
THE WOMAN: once a
ME: ONCE I WAKE UP I KNOW SAME ME TOO!!
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
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90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
If you don’t think of 50 different ways to murder your boss every morning on your drive to work you’re probably the boss
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
*goes through crush’s phone when he dies*
*gets out ouija board*
“who is Emma”