@UncleDuke1969

Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.

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@suecorvette

homeless guy: change?

me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….

@jonnysun

job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them

@joshgondelman

Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?

@Playing_Dad

[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail

@Tmoney68

I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.

*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*

@KevinFarzad

According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet

@ventivodkacran

…and the award for best lead actress in a dramatic role goes to me for “I Have A Sinus Infection, Why Don’t You Care That I’m Dying”

@Browtweaten

Date: I like to take things slow

Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I