Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
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them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.