@UncleDuke1969

Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.

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@tarashoe

A WOMAN: i’ve only been washing my hair
ME: IN THE OFFICE BATHROOM SINK!! ME TOO!!
THE WOMAN: once a
ME: ONCE I WAKE UP I KNOW SAME ME TOO!!

@SadPeruna

If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”

@LuvPug

If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.

@Reverend_Scott

God: Done

Angel: you can’t be finished

God: I am

Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-

God: aaand send

@Jaywoo74

If you don’t think of 50 different ways to murder your boss every morning on your drive to work you’re probably the boss

@IamEveryDayPpl

If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.

@TeflonPawn

By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.

@sophienuuttall

*goes through crush’s phone when he dies*

*gets out ouija board*

“who is Emma”