Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
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The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread