Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
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No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science