her: what do you want?

me: to pay for my sins

her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru

me: I mean to pay for my McSins

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Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons


Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?

Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-

Him: *running away*



What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?

– inventor of the roller coaster


If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.


I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.


Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.

Me: Awww.

Date: *leans in for a kiss*

Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.


Date: Your profile said you were “heavily into meditation” but you’re a mess

Me: Sorry I meant I was “heavily into medication”


i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest


BREAKING: Hugh Hefner dies at 69. He was 91 years old


yeah sex is cool but have you tried washing your dishes right after you use them so they never pile up in the sink???