her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
You Might Also Like
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
My inexpensive home security system…
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.