@FU_TangClan

her: what do you want?

me: to pay for my sins

her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru

me: I mean to pay for my McSins

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@Coolisiana

Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons

@Mom_Overboard

Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?

Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-

Him: *running away*

Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

@Staggfilms

What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?

– inventor of the roller coaster

@E_lok44

If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.

@CruisinSoozan

I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.

@eff_yeah_steph

Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.

Me: Awww.

Date: *leans in for a kiss*

Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.

@ElgatoEsmio

Date: Your profile said you were “heavily into meditation” but you’re a mess

Me: Sorry I meant I was “heavily into medication”

@dril

i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest

@DanMentos

BREAKING: Hugh Hefner dies at 69. He was 91 years old

@drumforge

yeah sex is cool but have you tried washing your dishes right after you use them so they never pile up in the sink???