roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
You Might Also Like
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
secret recipe
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..