HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
You Might Also Like
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*