If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
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It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Ok but actually
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.