Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Her: What if this is our last day alive?
Me: Then I should probably take some stuff off my computer…
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Age 10: I’m going to be a rockstar
Age 20: I might learn an instrument someday
Age 30: I hope a piano lands on me
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Roses are black
Violets are black
It’s late at night
I didn’t pay the electric bill.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
[at a party]
him: are u the guy that starts talking in a british accent when u meet a hot girl
me: what no lol who told u that
him: my bad i got u mixed up with someone else. btw this is my friend rachel
me: ello govna
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?