@djdarrellripley

Her: What if this is our last day alive?

Me: Then I should probably take some stuff off my computer…

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@huntigula

Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?

Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.

@Dawn_M_

Age 10: I’m going to be a rockstar
Age 20: I might learn an instrument someday
Age 30: I hope a piano lands on me

@FredTaming

dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you

astronaut: space is a vacuum

dog: i’ll see you when you get back

@mortimermaiden

I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.

@funflaps

nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies

@RobotThomas

Roses are black
Violets are black
It’s late at night
I didn’t pay the electric bill.

@WheelTod

Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”

Me: Uh huh.

Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”

@heelyfanaccount

[at a party]

him: are u the guy that starts talking in a british accent when u meet a hot girl

me: what no lol who told u that

him: my bad i got u mixed up with someone else. btw this is my friend rachel

me: ello govna

@Rollmaninoz

I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.

@ddsmidt

Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.

Bartender: One more then?

Me: Yep