HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
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ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Happy Caturday!
How dramatic are you?