@iamburtjarvis

her: what r u doing?

me: taking a photo of a glass of tap water on snapchat & see if they have-

her: oh god

me:-a water filter.

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@HatfieldAnne

A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.

@AHundredElbows

“We just want to find someone who will-”

*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?

“Exactly.”

-death row inmates

@AlexvanBeek

I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.

@teacup_giraffe

My friends won’t get margaritas with me anymore because I get drunk & start saying everything is “mexillent”.

@Papa_Mex

The sonogram of your baby looks awesome!* So clear!** And he looks happy!***

*Creepy
**Is it a human?
***I think you’re having a racoon

@ArfMeasures

Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!

Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure

@bazecraze

The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles

@JimmerThatisAll

I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.

@Ristolable

Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING