A GPS. But for where your story is going.
her: what r u doing?
me: taking a photo of a glass of tap water on snapchat & see if they have-
her: oh god
me:-a water filter.
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A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
-death row inmates
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
My friends won’t get margaritas with me anymore because I get drunk & start saying everything is “mexillent”.
The sonogram of your baby looks awesome!* So clear!** And he looks happy!***
**Is it a human?
***I think you’re having a racoon
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING