I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
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People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
I like to people-watch, but I鈥檓 an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 馃槀
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.