her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
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[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.