Her: What veggies are the kids having with dinner?

Me: (Smacking the bottom of a ketchup bottle) Fresh Tomatoes…

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It’s important to make her feel wanted…

….so I called the cops on her.


Nurse: we need to draw some blood

Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this


If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you

They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside


*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*

“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”

[5 minutes later]

*Throws refrigerator out window*


My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.


[googles “camaflage spiders”]

-no results-



[googles “camouflage spiders”]

-11,345,453 results-



Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir

Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?

Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir


Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician