@samfromks

Her: What veggies are the kids having with dinner?

Me: (Smacking the bottom of a ketchup bottle) Fresh Tomatoes…

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@better_off_dad2

It’s important to make her feel wanted…

….so I called the cops on her.

@notacroc

Nurse: we need to draw some blood

Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this

@Kids_kubed

If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you

They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside

@Tmoney68

*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*

“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”

[5 minutes later]

*Throws refrigerator out window*

@blondecalamity

My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.

@_elvishpresley_

[googles “camaflage spiders”]

-no results-

phew.

wait…

[googles “camouflage spiders”]

-11,345,453 results-

motherf

@Browtweaten

Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir

Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?

Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir

@Bob_Janke

Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician