[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
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Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Probably my best painting.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.