@YuckyTom

Her: what was that about?

Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off

Her: at the zoo tho?

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@daemonic3

[opens car door for wife]

WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway

@jackiembouvier

I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.

@_RyanBryce

Asked the burd in Krispy kremes for 5 Nutella donuts and she says “have you got any nut allergies” aye pal I’m planning suicide by donut

@ChrisStokdyk

“PSST.”

It came from my waffles.

“PSST,” again.

“What?” I ask, furtively.

“You look really nice today.”

Complimentary Breakfast

@Jandalize

My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20

@Fickle_Filly

Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”

@Derpey

Why doesn’t Ed have a girlfriend?

Cause Sheeran.

@dafloydsta

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I didn’t floss?

DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-

@Just_Lee_

My crush said he made his phone keys sticky thinking of me so I dumped him. I’m disgusted.

What kind of loser still has keys on his phone?