[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
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five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
It came from my waffles.
“What?” I ask, furtively.
“You look really nice today.”
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Why doesn’t Ed have a girlfriend?
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
My crush said he made his phone keys sticky thinking of me so I dumped him. I’m disgusted.
What kind of loser still has keys on his phone?