Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
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My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.