HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
You Might Also Like
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?