Her: What’s sex without love?

Me: About $100 a hour

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u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same


{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.


I am basic white bread.

…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.


Is he dead?

Is he dead?

Is she dead?

Is HE dead?

What about him?

Is SHE dead?

-My kids watching 80s music videos.


Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.

Now you’re ready to have kids.


Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.


English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather



My dad:


My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil


Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.


One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.