@Badass_Trucker

Her: What’s sex without love?

Me: About $100 a hour

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@ch000ch

u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same

@AmericanGent69

{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.

@Tobi_Is_Fab

I am basic white bread.

…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.

@AngryRaccoon2

Is he dead?

Is he dead?

Is she dead?

Is HE dead?

What about him?

Is SHE dead?

-My kids watching 80s music videos.

@ValeeGrrl

Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.

Now you’re ready to have kids.

@Tmoney68

Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.

@AmberTozer

English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather

@madicrews8

Me:

My dad:

Me:

My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil

@dshack8

Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.

@Thereeveryday

One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.