Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
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People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.