Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
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*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.