her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
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me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.