her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
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I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Poetry is my passion
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Just a reminder, folks:
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?