Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
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Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
bugs when you lift up a rock
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
I hope Alan is OK
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?