Her: What’s your fantasy?

Me: Movie theaters that charge kids 3 and under $500 per ticket.

You Might Also Like


What if the washer has been stealing the socks and we have just been blaming the dryer?


Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?

Me: no honey.

Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.

Me: yes but he has legs.

Daughter: Ariel has legs too.


Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?

Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.


The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.


*draws a sharpie mustache on my grandma*
lol you cant hang loser.
passin out w/ shoes on? rookie
“Sir please step away from the casket”


Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.


In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.


“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”

~ Snowmen.


All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream


You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.

Tomato, Tomahto

Get in the van.


[searching for a new church]

Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?

Church: *click*