Her: What’s your fantasy?

Me: Movie theaters that charge kids 3 and under $500 per ticket.

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“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”

– idiots


Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.

Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.


You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..


My Wife wears some very revealing shirts.

Today’s shirt says ‘Nick’s ATM code is 1234’ on it.


Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.


If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.


Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.


Dear Dreamworks,

How to Train Your Dragon was not the instructional movie I was hoping for since acquiring a Komodo dragon


‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am