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@DaHess1: Her: What's your fantasy?
Me: Movie theaters that charge kids 3 and under $500 per ticket.
@BDGarp: Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
@TheBeerGuy73: A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
@DaddyJew: No, YOUUU had a kid just so you could have someone to eat pizza and play video games with
@knittingninja00: it's not abuse if the substance likes it.
@junejuly12: Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”