What if the washer has been stealing the socks and we have just been blaming the dryer?
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Movie theaters that charge kids 3 and under $500 per ticket.
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Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
*draws a sharpie mustache on my grandma*
lol you cant hang loser.
passin out w/ shoes on? rookie
“Sir please step away from the casket”
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Get in the van.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?