#catsoftwitter
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My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.