@DaHess1

Her: What’s your fantasy?

Me: Movie theaters that charge kids 3 and under $500 per ticket.

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@ThaJawn

What if the washer has been stealing the socks and we have just been blaming the dryer?

@NewDadNotes

Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?

Me: no honey.

Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.

Me: yes but he has legs.

Daughter: Ariel has legs too.

[later]

Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?

Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.

@_NinJar

The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.

@SenseiSandwich

*draws a sharpie mustache on my grandma*
lol you cant hang loser.
passin out w/ shoes on? rookie
“Sir please step away from the casket”

@WilliamAder

Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.

@TheWoodenslurpy

In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.

@Pulse_NYC

“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”

~ Snowmen.

@5hael

All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream

@Heldinchains

You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.

Tomato, Tomahto

Get in the van.

@3sunzzz

[searching for a new church]

Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?

Church: *click*