Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
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A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Simple enough.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫