Haha! 😂
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5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night