My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
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Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels